A really fast sports car will help.

Ahhite, Now.

I’m not generally a mean person. (Not generally.) This little ditty is specifically targeted to those who need an intervention. You know who I’m talking about.

This is not for the person who might be experiencing midlife depression, or wondering where all the years have gone, that sort of thing. I think all of us go through that, male or female. For this, talk to your pastor. Pray. Talk to your best friend. You’re normal, God loves you, and hang in there.

I’m not saying that a much younger female can’t form a lasting relationship with an older guy (or vice-versa), either. But they’ll need to have roughly equivalent levels of maturity and/or strongly shared interests.

Yours truly is speaking solely of and to men (I’ll let a female speak to other women) who go off the deep end. You know: the strange toupee, even stranger looking plastic surgery, the red sports car, great big hangman’s noose of gold chain around the neck, on the prowl for a really young girl to prove that they’ve still Got It.

Beware, ladies, cuz’ here I come, the Certified Woman Magnet(tm)!

If you have a friend or loved one who is suffering from this malady, some tough love is called for. Remove all sharp objects and strong medications from the room, scroll this page down to the next section, then leave them with it. Back away slowly and let them read.

“I’ll put a SPELL on you, young girl!”

Hello, Fellow Traveler.

So: you’re an older guy who is determined to find a much younger girl. You want to prove that you still Have It.

Rather than be sensible and find someone with equivalent life experience, you think that if you can lure some nubile teenage knockout into your sports car, life will suddenly be good again.

Oh, sure, it can happen — after all, the late Anna Nicole Smith married that old guy (strictly for love, of course; the fact that he was a billionaire had nothing to do with it), but the odds are against you.

Let me e’splain why this is quite unlikely. Let me explain why, in spite of the fact that you’re showing off all your money and have a really nice car and all that, the young girls still look at you and say, “ew.”

Let me tell you why. This will hurt, but you need to hear it.

You Act Old.

This is probably the biggest thing and you don’t even realize it.

Do you wear progressive lenses? Even if they’re just simple bifocals, you are constantly moving your head up and down as your eyes seek the sweet spot. This is one of the first giveaways.

Your hearing ain’t what it used to be, either. In fact, the way that you walk, the way you talk, the things that you find funny, are all completely different from those of, say, a 20-year-old guy. And most young girls will immediately notice this.

(As a famous comedienne once put it, you think you’re acting cool, but it’s a 30-year-old version of “cool.” It warmed to room temperature and decomposed long ago.)

Assuming you can even get her into your car, she will notice that you’re listening to what she considers “old folks music.” You will drive like old folks. You actually use a turn signal. (And then forget to turn it off. Because you can’t hear it clicking.)

All of these things add up and mark you as — at best — “father figure,” and not, “potential love interest.”

Pro tip:   Lose the colostomy bag before
slingin’ those mad funky chicken skillz.

You Look Old

Your hairline is receding. There are zillions of little wrinkles on your face.

Rather than deciding to age gracefully and accept the march of time, you warble, “I know! I’ll get plastic surgery and hair implants!”

A little bit of carefully done plastic surgery can help with the “aging gracefully” thing. It can work outright miracles on people who’ve been in an accident. But it cannot and will not make you look like you’re 18 years old (and any honest surgeon will tell you that).

Even if your surgeon is a miracle worker and succeeds in making your face look really young again, the rest of your body will still look old (and you will still act old; see the previous section). Your hands, your arms and your legs will still give away the fact that you’re not 22 years old.

And if you go overboard, on top of this older-looking body, you then plant a face that looks … smooth and hard. (This assumes that you use a good surgeon. Google “bad plastic surgery” to see for yourself.)

Excessive plastic surgery is another thing that will instantly mark you as “The Old Guy” to a young girl. To her, you’re an old-acting, old-talking guy with a face that looks like a mask.

“My new face compels
me to play the banjo!”

Even If You Succeed …

… she’ll probably be as nutty as a squirrel turd. Crazy as a hat filled with fire ants. Her issues will have issues. This is the best news of all and you have been warned.

Maybe she never got along with her father … or maybe she got along too well with her daddy (*cough*, if you know what I mean). Maybe she’s just crazy. Whatever.

Maybe she really is just looking for a Dudley Dollarbill to look after her. (Some women do; it’s the way of the world.) She may be attracted to you if she thinks you have lots of money. If you don’t, she will be gone in short order. If you do, but the money then runs out, she’ll be gone in slightly longer order, but still gone.

You’ll be left alone and broke with nothing to show for it but some bad plastic surgery and a slightly-dented sports car.

“I  find you fascinating,  old  and
rich guy!  Let me eat your soul!“

In Sum …

Get over it. Get right with God. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to age gracefully, and learn to be glad for what you have.

As Solomon says in Proverbs, “rejoice in the wife of your youth.” She has been with you for a long time, she knows all your crochets and she’ll put up with you. If you’re not married, pray for a girl who shares your life experience, your interests and your mission or ministry.

Ah, go ahead and get a sports car if it makes you feel better. Or a bicycle or some golf clubs. Get some exercise, drink lots of water and get plenty of rest.

You’ll be a much happier man, believe me … and you will thank me later. Be happy and keep that sports car between the ditches!

A truly smart guy knows how to use
his age as an excuse to be himself.

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